This past month I have been going through a very emotional time. And I’ve debated whether or not I should write a post that any of my friends or family or random strangers could read. But as I’ve been going through this it has helped to know that other people have gone through similar situations and I would like to put my story on here in the hopes that it comforts someone when they need to know that they’re not alone.
On June 22, 2017, my boyfriend of five and a half years broke up with me. A week before that, I didn’t even know anything was wrong. He told me that he thought maybe we were just together because it was easy. I said that might be part of it, but we had a lot of other things going for us. I asked if we could work things out. He said no. I was so confused and I felt so betrayed. He had been one of my best friends since I was 15. He was the only boy I’d ever loved and the only boy I’d ever dated. We did the long distance thing for four years, and in one more year it would have all been over and we would have moved in together. I thought we were going to get married – I was already planning the wedding in many ways.
When he broke up with me, I was so confused. I couldn’t figure out what had happened. I couldn’t figure out how someone could go from being in love to not being in love so quickly. I had just been at his house a few weeks before the breakup, and even though he seemed distant, I didn’t think anything was wrong. When he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore I was so hurt and I felt so broken. I had given him my entire heart with all of the naivety of first love, and he had given it back to me in pieces.
When I went on my trip abroad with my sister I told him I couldn’t talk to him and needed space. I felt a lot better. I felt like I was accepting everything. And then I came back home and started talking to him a little again and I just couldn’t accept that what we had was just gone. That he was a total stranger. This week I found out that he has feelings for another girl, a girl who I was jealous of from the moment she got on my radar a few months ago. This week I was forced to accept that he hadn’t loved me for a while, that he must have been thinking about breaking up with me for weeks or months before he actually said something to me. That any love for me he felt is long gone. So another wave of hurt hit. And I wanted to hurt him back. I texted him angrily, but our conversation ended with me telling him I still loved him and still wanted to get back together with him. I couldn’t let him go.
Today I asked him for proof that he canceled my credit card on a video subscription I bought for him. He responded that he couldn’t believe that I would think he’d keep my credit card on there. I told him I couldn’t believe he’d break up with me and then start dating someone else in the same month. It turned ugly and he got angry and I got hurt and I just kept thinking, “why did I have to fuel the flames? Why am I being as immature as he is being?”
I still can’t believe that he is the person that he is. I can’t believe that I was in love with him for five years and didn’t ever really know the true him. I only knew the cute, caring side of him. Now I’m privy to the unfeeling side that he shows everyone else, and I hate the person that I see there. I realize that it’s a good thing that this happened now and not after we got married. I realize that it’s a good thing because there are a lot of things about him that would have made me crazy if I had lived with him.
I believe everything happens for a reason. And I’m glad that this happened. Despite my broken heart, despite crying myself to sleep for days, despite feeling like I’ll never survive this … I know that this is for the best. That I couldn’t be my best self when I was with him. That he didn’t treat me right and I deserve better.
I know that going through heartbreak is part of life and that it can teach you a lot about yourself. I’m glad that I had this opportunity to grow and understand more about myself and about the world. Even though this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I know it is for the best. I did and said things that I’m not proud of, but I refuse to regret anything. Regret would pull me down, and I’m trying to move on. I’m getting closer every day. Some days are better than others, but I know in another month, another year, another decade I’ll look back at this and be thankful that I learned the lessons that I learned. Today I realized that I don’t love him anymore, which is a huge step in the right direction. Now I need to move on and let it go. For anyone who is going through this too, I think it’s important to not beat yourself up for doing immature things or saying things you wish you hadn’t. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, and being the bigger person is way easier said than done. If you slip up, move on and learn from your mistake. I know I’m not out of the woods yet, but I will offer this encouragement to myself and anyone else who is going through an emotional time: you will get through this. You are strong enough to get through this, even when you feel like you aren’t.
In parting, I will leave you with my favorite saying: Aal izz well
(If you want to smile, go to YouTube and watch the music video for the song “Aal Izz Well” from the movie 3 Idiots. But if you are emotionally unstable, don’t watch the last 10 seconds of the video!)
So today marks my seventeenth day as a resident of the great country of Ireland…24 July 2017